Joke

For most of the things in your life, you'll never know if you made the right choice or the wrong one. There are choices that feel better at the moment that you make the decision and then hurt like hell later. There are decisions that hurt like hell when you make them and then at some point, hopefully they stop hurting so bad.

When you're at a restaurant and you order food, you know almost right away if you made a good decision or a bad one. Do you like the food? Good decision. You don't like the food? Bad decision...or bad chief. If it's a bad chief it's not in your control.

Actually, nothing is really in your control. That's just a myth that people tell themselves so they don't feel like they are spinning around aimlessly.

Trying to control the things around you lead to hair loss, eating disorders, and unhappiness.

I can barely control myself sometimes. How can I control anything else.

The best we can do is to try to live the way we want. To try not to harm others or ourselves. To try to make some decisions for our benefit and to attempt to work towards a future that isn't promised to us...yet we still have to work to get there.

It's like a big fucking joke.

Not only can we not control anything--nothing means anything anyway.

A thing only has meaning if you make it meaning something. A thing only has power if you give it power.

So why's it hurt so bad?

Everything is the way it is because that's how it is. Everything is perfect because it's how it is for whatever reason.

But it doesn't feel perfect...or good to be honest.

Sometimes it feels bad. Sometimes it feels really bad. Sometimes it just feels meh.

On the rare occasion it feels wonderful though.

We do the best we can.

...cause it's the best that we can do.

and that's okay.

Updates:

Most likely not going to study abroad in Haifa. I can't tell if it's the easy/cop out choice or the more mature one.

That means that I'll be here until at least May, that I might do a thesis (if I can find a topic I'm interested on and can research), and that I'll walk for graduation (pretty pictures for the family).

I still want to eventually become conversational in Hebrew and work on my Spanish and Italian as well.

I don't know what I want to do or where I want to go when I graduate but I guess time will tell...I'll have to go somewhere.