What to do when you don't know what to do.

Waiting. We spend a lot of time waiting. Most of our lives are spent waiting.

I think that it is important to become good at waiting. To relax and accept where you are. Be there. In the moment. Try to make the best of it. Maybe even take advantage of where you are. Take advantage of having the time and the space to breathe.

I'm not good at waiting. I like being there and getting things done. I don't like getting there. I don't like making plans. I like having plans. I don't like not having plans. I also don't like having a concussion. Either way...things happen.

Quantifiable

What is it to build a life? To put down roots? Why are we where we currently are? How did we get here? Is this a place to stay? Is this a place to leave?

I know that one day I will have a better reason then "why not" to be where I am. Right now I am living in Center City Philadelphia, PA. I have an pretty great but exhausting job working as a cold foods line cook in an upscale vegan restaurant. I've been focusing on healing my back and creating a future for myself. But future are not created. Futures are the outcomes of the choices that we are making now. I am creating my future as we speak.

My life goals are to be happy and to have a happy family. True, happiness is an intangible and unable to be quantified. But what goodness is there in life that is able to be quantified? Monetary value is no indication of true value. The true value of something is what it adds to your life--how it makes you feel--what you learn from it. Does it enhance your quality of life? Does it make you feel fulfilled? Is it meaningful? Helpful?

As I sit in bed in my tiny abode creating my future a big part of me wants to cry. I'm not sure why. It's 1:14 AM and I am listening to old soul song by bright eyes. I miss listening to the coral and the artic monkeys but I can't. I haven't even worn most of the clothes that I wore while in Israel. If I have worn any of them...it's only been recently.

When I was in Gainesville I was there for a reason. I was working towards my undergraduate degree. When I decided to extend my trip in Israel there was a reason too. The reason was what we all hope for in our lives. I was in love--with a boy. a language. a country. a people.

As a college graduate I don't think that I'm any smarter necessarily. I learned some valuable coping skills while in college. I learned how to study and learn. I studied how to listen and understand; but I'm not sure that I'll ever master those skills.

I've spent hours looking at countless graduate programs. The ones that interest me the most are either interesting to me all of something in common. I'm pretty much interested in any program in Israel. I'm pretty much interested in any program about Jewish Studies. I long to feel understood the way I felt understood while in Israel. I wish I didn't feel so disconnected.

I loved the boy. I think I'll always love the boy. But the country. Logical me knows that being scared and intimidated is not a reason to not do something. If anything it's more of a reason to do it. (What doesn't kill you makes you stronger) But my mom. My puppy dog. My conveniences. Am I strong enough?

I love puppies, rainbows, matzoh brie, pickles, goat cheese, corn, and televised cooking shows. I seek meaningful interactions, fulfillment, fun, and laughter.

I do not believe that we should be uncomfortable in our lives for long periods of time. Change is good even though it is terrifying. Stagnant water is smelly and gross and so is your brain when you are not properly stimulated.

I believe that extreme emotions are better than moderate ones. I think we should all fall in love over and over. Take chances. Go on adventures. Make your life a Kodak moment. If you are doing something. Do the best at it that you can. Don't waste time. Remember what's important. Stay positive. Keep confident. Trust your gut and your heart.

Don't be afraid of what's to come. Don't create problems. Don't worry about things that don't exist. Live now. What's done is done. Be compassionate. Take your time. Be nice. Make yourself happy. Then make others happy.

Life can be a fairytale. Just create it that way.

Everything is so much harder right now than it should be. I'm tired of feeling undeserving and unattractive. I feel like I can't do anything right and that I can't accomplish anything on my own.

I spend 3 hours a day commuting, 6 hours sleeping, 8 hours at work, and the other 7 hours either trying to make it up to Bailey, being yelled at, or trying to build myself up.

Moving back into this house...I've reverted back into an insecure preteen--friendless and awkward.

This life feels monotonous and hopeless. I'm not interested in what I'm doing--even though I am thankful to be doing something. My mom wants me to live at home--most likely so she can blame me for everything wrong in her life and out of place in her house.

What kind of life is this? I'm not happy. It's not fulfilling. I'm fucking miserable and it doesn't seem like there is a fucking end in sight.

My mother--the uber sensitive yogi that she is thinks that fucking tarot cards are the answer. She takes the "it'll get better" and "this too shall pass" approach to life. I'm typically more of a "I'll make this better" type of person---but recently I've been too fucking terrified to make a movement without permission. It's like nothing makes sense to me and I'm not really sure who to go to for help.

Mom says go to the family therapist. Well I think he sucks and I know that he makes me feel super uncomfortable. I haven't found an acupuncturist or an apartment yet. My arm really fucking hurts a lot.

Between my ugly mousey haircolor and the terribly unflattering look of the work clothes that I have in my closet---I'm not surprised that I'm alone.

But this isn't a fucking pity party. Lifes not so bad and even though things suck a lot currently I'll be fucking damned if they stay this shitty for long. I forgive people for being thoughtless idiots because they can't help it.

Come'on ride the train --the choo choo ride it.

I'm afraid of armadillos; and of car crashes, rip currents, and thunderstorms.

I'm grossed out by slimy things; and by armadillos, vomit; the words 'vomit', 'puss', 'mucus', and 'moist'; and bugs that crawl.

I dislike being unprepared, under the weather, over looked, and misjudged.

I want a life full of meaningful relationships, love, puppy dogs, and rainbows.



My life is on pause. And not, although I was the one who pressed the button-- I find myself discontent in my current state of pause. It's boring, mundane, and fulfilling. Frankly, I need more. I need more stimulation and excitement. More wonder. More challenges. I finished college. Good for me. But what's next? And why am I keeping myself frozen in pause.

Why am I not putting roots down anywhere and why am I so hesitant to do so? Why are all the boys being drawn to me so wrong for me? Maybe it's being I'm not where I am supposed to be.

--I'm not where I'm supposed to be. I stayed here because I was here. It was the easiest choice to make. Too bad it's not the right one. How easy would life be if the easiest choice was always the right one? It seems, in fact, that the harder--more difficult choice is typically the more fulfilling choice.

I'm over being left. It's time for me to be right. And stop stalling, trying, planning, thinking, and worrying. Now is the time for action. Now is actually the time for sleep --tomorrow is the time for action. Whatever. In a broader sense of the word 'now', now is the time for action.

I need to keep swimming. keep swimming. Keep moving. You can't pause life and neither can I. No wonder I feel like I'm sinking --that's what happens when you stop swimming.

You sink.


I'm not going down without a fight.

If I'm going down, I'm going down with rambling blog posts, thousands of pictures of puppy ball, and the spirit of adventure.

I foresee a problem here. It's that I'm not sure that I have a spirit of adventure. Here's hoping that my need for fulfillment overtakes my dislike of the unknown.

You can't be prepared for everything. I can't be prepared for everything.

I can, however, choose to join the party. and I'm choosing to join the party.

I believe in love.

I believe in quality over quantity--in eating things that taste good and doing things that feel good.

I believe in taking chances and leaps of faith.

I believe in following your gut, making split second decisions, and laughter.

I believe that you should take time to do things that make you happy and focus on surrounding yourself with things that give you joy.

I believe in being grateful and in opening your heart to kind-eyed strangers.

I believe in trying new things and going new places.

I believe in kindness.

I believe in passion and indulgence and unconditional love.

I believe in power and magic.

I believe in feeling safe and comfortable and happy.

I believe in being silly.

I believe that things will work themselves out--that I will have access to the things I need.

I believe in hugs and romance--in perfect moments and creating memories.

I believe in sharing what you have and giving what you can.

I believe in happily ever after.

I believe in miracles and blessings.

I believe that words are powerful.

I believe in me. (most of the time.)

Klass

I'm deeply disappointed that America is celebrating the death of Osama Bin Laden--so disappointed that I'm having a hard time not crying.

Violence does not and will not ever bring peace. Violence only begets more violence.

I'm not saying that he was a man who deserved to experience the miracle that is life. I don't think he did. But I also don't think that his death is a cause for celebration. I don't think that any death is a cause for celebration.

Yeah it's really fantastic that Osama can't hurt anyone anymore. But it is not realistic to think that this will lead to the disbandment of Al Qaeda. If anything, I would think that this will lead to more violence.

America, celebrating a death is in poor taste. It lacks class.

Today, I'm embarrassed to be an American.

Wayy to keep it klassy America.