Quantifiable

What is it to build a life? To put down roots? Why are we where we currently are? How did we get here? Is this a place to stay? Is this a place to leave?

I know that one day I will have a better reason then "why not" to be where I am. Right now I am living in Center City Philadelphia, PA. I have an pretty great but exhausting job working as a cold foods line cook in an upscale vegan restaurant. I've been focusing on healing my back and creating a future for myself. But future are not created. Futures are the outcomes of the choices that we are making now. I am creating my future as we speak.

My life goals are to be happy and to have a happy family. True, happiness is an intangible and unable to be quantified. But what goodness is there in life that is able to be quantified? Monetary value is no indication of true value. The true value of something is what it adds to your life--how it makes you feel--what you learn from it. Does it enhance your quality of life? Does it make you feel fulfilled? Is it meaningful? Helpful?

As I sit in bed in my tiny abode creating my future a big part of me wants to cry. I'm not sure why. It's 1:14 AM and I am listening to old soul song by bright eyes. I miss listening to the coral and the artic monkeys but I can't. I haven't even worn most of the clothes that I wore while in Israel. If I have worn any of them...it's only been recently.

When I was in Gainesville I was there for a reason. I was working towards my undergraduate degree. When I decided to extend my trip in Israel there was a reason too. The reason was what we all hope for in our lives. I was in love--with a boy. a language. a country. a people.

As a college graduate I don't think that I'm any smarter necessarily. I learned some valuable coping skills while in college. I learned how to study and learn. I studied how to listen and understand; but I'm not sure that I'll ever master those skills.

I've spent hours looking at countless graduate programs. The ones that interest me the most are either interesting to me all of something in common. I'm pretty much interested in any program in Israel. I'm pretty much interested in any program about Jewish Studies. I long to feel understood the way I felt understood while in Israel. I wish I didn't feel so disconnected.

I loved the boy. I think I'll always love the boy. But the country. Logical me knows that being scared and intimidated is not a reason to not do something. If anything it's more of a reason to do it. (What doesn't kill you makes you stronger) But my mom. My puppy dog. My conveniences. Am I strong enough?