स प अ क इ

It sneaks up behind you when you least expect it.

..."I just feel like I'm blowing it."

Things have been going well and then it strikes again. It's you. You are your own worst enemy. You make meaning out of nothing in particular and fantasize and obsess about it until it drives you crazy.

..."Did I really say that?"

Why did he do that?

What did he say again?

What do you think he meant by that?

What should I do?

What should I have said.

..."I remember every promise that you made me."

It's enough to drive a person crazy. Maybe that's why we are crazy.

Look at the ones that are self-confident and self-assured. It seems that the happiest creatures are those with themselves in mind. They know what they want and they believe that they deserve it. Let's learn to be a little bit self-ish. Not completely selfish but not completely self-less either.

Let's give of ourselves as much as we give to ourselves. Let's stop driving ourselves crazy with the what, when, why, and hows of life. Nothing lasts and nothing matters.

The bleeding stops. The scars fade. And the memories? You can change your mind easier than you can change your face. Happy people are prettier. Bullshit your happy ending. Maybe everything hasn't exactly turned out the way you wanted...but you're here.

I figuratively bang my head against the wall frequently. I make knowingly stupid choices because they keep me content for the moment. I hold grudges. I get really freaking angry. I am really freaking angry. I'm a smart girl and I know how to hurt you. So I keep banging my head against the wall. And you know what? My head hurts.

I take Advil and a drink. I look you up on Facebook and cringe because you aren't ugly and neither are the people in the pictures with you. I bring up memories of broken promises. I villainize you. I remember that night and how you looked at me in the morning (you blonde rat-faced pig). And I wonder why my head still hurts.

Let's stop banging our heads against the wall. We wouldn't know light if we didn't have dark. Things aren't nearly as bad as you make them out to be. Forget the people that are worse off then you because, to be honest, they don't realllyyyy don't matter. Forget the people that are better off then you because, to be honest, they REALLLYYY don't matter.

Look at you. What you have within you. What you stand for. Who you love. Who loves you.

Look at the space you have in the world. How have you used it?

I took this awful class a year ago about feminism and tourism. A lady stood up in front of the class and lectured about how, for obvious reasons, women cannot use space in the same way that men can.

...and although I hated the class, I thought that that comment was poignant. How do I use my space? Do I use my space the way a male does? ...wtf who cares.

My question was, Do I respect my space? Do I reserve my space for only those deserving of it? (Or what the fuck did you do that was so fucking special to deserve to be near me?)


Summary in brief:
Space, thoughts, filling space, feelings, walls, banging (there will be no banging), Within you, within me, blowing it (there will be no blowing)