Lullabies

When Itzik is sleeping he looks so calm and peaceful...the opposite of anything scary. He's really hard to wake up, but at least he's always so sweet about it. He always says five more minutes. I love you.

...


After I told Becca, Becca told Josh. Josh told Itzik, who was not very happy to know that people knew.

Me: "It was honest. I was bragging cause I was so happy and excited. I didn't mean it to hurt you."

No response.

We went to the Kotel. Itzik wouldn't look at me or talk to me. In my head I thought--good. It's easier this way. Over my shoulder I heard my mother saying--Fuck him if you can't take a joke.

As soon as I was face to face with the Kotel I forgot about Itzik.

Being at the Kotel was an amazing and incredible experience that I am so every thankful to have had. Maybe I will tell you about it later.

We had a 2 and a half hour walk back to the hostel. Itzik had yet to look at me or talk to me. He was on his phone or talking to one of the other soldiers on the trip. My heart hurt and I couldn't figure out why. It was just one kiss. Just one boy. Just one night...how many nights had I kissed a boy. Why was this night and this kiss and this boy different from any other? Why was I so upset about it.

I tried really hard to not think or talk about him. I thought I was doing okay at it until Jillian said, "Really Steph. Stop talking about him. I don't want to hear it anymore."

I had his ipod because he had asked me earlier in the day to charge it for him. It was barely half charged but I wanted it out of my room. I walked it into his room and put in on his bed. He was sleeping so I consciously put it somewhere where he would see it when he woke up.

I tried even hard not to think or talk about him. It wasn't working. I was sulking a lot. It was my bedtime.

My rental phone's ugly-sounding alarm woke me up from a deep sleep. I was dizzy and my eyes were seeing everything fuzzy--did my phone really say that it was Itzik who was calling.

"Um..hello?"
Itzik: "You're awake."
"Yeah...now I am."
Itzik: "Meet me outside?"
"What for?"
Itzik: "To talk."
"Is there anything to talk about?"
Itzik: "I think so. Please."
"Fine. I'll be out in a little."

I walked outside but I didn't see Itzik. I looked around for a little then said fuck it and went to walk back into the hostel just as Itzik was walking out.

He looked up at me. His eyes were glowing an all of his teeth were showing. He picked me up to hug me and spun me around.

"I missed you," He whispered into my ear.

"Well, that's your fault."
Itzik: "I know. It took all of the energy I had not to run up and grab you when we were leaving the Kotel."
"You should have."
Itzik: "I know I should have."