It sneaks up behind you when you least expect it.
..."I just feel like I'm blowing it."
Things have been going well and then it strikes again. It's you. You are your own worst enemy. You make meaning out of nothing in particular and fantasize and obsess about it until it drives you crazy.
..."Did I really say that?"
Why did he do that?
What did he say again?
What do you think he meant by that?
What should I do?
What should I have said.
..."I remember every promise that you made me."
It's enough to drive a person crazy. Maybe that's why we are crazy.
Look at the ones that are self-confident and self-assured. It seems that the happiest creatures are those with themselves in mind. They know what they want and they believe that they deserve it. Let's learn to be a little bit self-ish. Not completely selfish but not completely self-less either.
Let's give of ourselves as much as we give to ourselves. Let's stop driving ourselves crazy with the what, when, why, and hows of life. Nothing lasts and nothing matters.
The bleeding stops. The scars fade. And the memories? You can change your mind easier than you can change your face. Happy people are prettier. Bullshit your happy ending. Maybe everything hasn't exactly turned out the way you wanted...but you're here.
I figuratively bang my head against the wall frequently. I make knowingly stupid choices because they keep me content for the moment. I hold grudges. I get really freaking angry. I am really freaking angry. I'm a smart girl and I know how to hurt you. So I keep banging my head against the wall. And you know what? My head hurts.
I take Advil and a drink. I look you up on Facebook and cringe because you aren't ugly and neither are the people in the pictures with you. I bring up memories of broken promises. I villainize you. I remember that night and how you looked at me in the morning (you blonde rat-faced pig). And I wonder why my head still hurts.
Let's stop banging our heads against the wall. We wouldn't know light if we didn't have dark. Things aren't nearly as bad as you make them out to be. Forget the people that are worse off then you because, to be honest, they don't realllyyyy don't matter. Forget the people that are better off then you because, to be honest, they REALLLYYY don't matter.
Look at you. What you have within you. What you stand for. Who you love. Who loves you.
Look at the space you have in the world. How have you used it?
I took this awful class a year ago about feminism and tourism. A lady stood up in front of the class and lectured about how, for obvious reasons, women cannot use space in the same way that men can.
...and although I hated the class, I thought that that comment was poignant. How do I use my space? Do I use my space the way a male does? ...wtf who cares.
My question was, Do I respect my space? Do I reserve my space for only those deserving of it? (Or what the fuck did you do that was so fucking special to deserve to be near me?)
Summary in brief:
Space, thoughts, filling space, feelings, walls, banging (there will be no banging), Within you, within me, blowing it (there will be no blowing)
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
सिर्चुलर मोतिओंस
It's a repetitive cycle. Girl meets boy. Whatever happens next, one of them gets hurt.
Pessimistic or realistic?
Either way...I'm pretty sure this is typically how it tends to go.
Almost seems like there isn't a point in trying to not be alone.
Pessimistic or realistic?
Either way...I'm pretty sure this is typically how it tends to go.
Almost seems like there isn't a point in trying to not be alone.
Friday, December 3, 2010
(excuse my spelling --> ) !יתס אה מיצבה
I always get caught off guard when people use the phrase "getting ready for the real world" when talking about getting ready to graduate from college, yet I always find myself doing the same thing.
But I am in the real world. The college years, however long they might last, are times in your (and my) real life. I'm really alive, I'm really here, and I'm really doing this.
I don't necessarily want to be in college for the rest of my life, but does graduating from college all of a sudden mean I'm suppose to be serious and stuffy? Does it mean that I'm not suppose to take chances or go on adventures?
I want to create my life with the flexibility for adventure, rest, reflection, relaxation, and risk. I want to continue learning, I want to affect people in a positive way, do something meaningful, and I want my life to have meaning.
I don't want to be predictable. Spontaneous is such a better word anyhow. Let's all be spontaneous and embrace change.
Let's challenge ourselves and indulge when appropriate.
Let's do things that we want to do and what feels good to us (as long as they don't negatively affect others or ourselves).
Let's fall in love again.
I want to live a life full of gluttony and excess. Full of love and light. Mitzvahs, greatness, and excitement. Full of change and hope.
I want to bring as much light into the world as I possibly can and inspire and encourage others to do so as well.
But I am in the real world. The college years, however long they might last, are times in your (and my) real life. I'm really alive, I'm really here, and I'm really doing this.
I don't necessarily want to be in college for the rest of my life, but does graduating from college all of a sudden mean I'm suppose to be serious and stuffy? Does it mean that I'm not suppose to take chances or go on adventures?
I want to create my life with the flexibility for adventure, rest, reflection, relaxation, and risk. I want to continue learning, I want to affect people in a positive way, do something meaningful, and I want my life to have meaning.
I don't want to be predictable. Spontaneous is such a better word anyhow. Let's all be spontaneous and embrace change.
Let's challenge ourselves and indulge when appropriate.
Let's do things that we want to do and what feels good to us (as long as they don't negatively affect others or ourselves).
Let's fall in love again.
I want to live a life full of gluttony and excess. Full of love and light. Mitzvahs, greatness, and excitement. Full of change and hope.
I want to bring as much light into the world as I possibly can and inspire and encourage others to do so as well.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
My momma says "fuck em if they can't take a joke."
I keep finding pieces of myself. I keep getting little reminders of who I am. I don't have to listen. The reminders aren't obnoxious alarm bells. They are more like the purr of a kitten--calming and familiar.
When I walk past a piece of me it feels like dejavu. It's familiar to me. It is familiar to me...because it's a part of who I am.
I broke when he let go of me, and it was such a far fall that I became scattered.
Slowly I am picking up the pieces of me. The hardest part of this is accepting them.
I can't help but judge them, but I would be lying to myself if I tried to say that that wasn't something I enjoy or if that isn't something that I would do.
Every piece I see cause me to have to come face to face with myself.
Try closing your eyes when you are standing in front of a mirror. You know your there. You know you haven't moved. You know that when you open your eyes you are going to see you. You also know that the mirror doesn't lie and that that's what you look like. Human nature causes you to make a judgement about that face in the mirror. The hardest part is accepting that this is you.
Your make-up can run but you can never run away from yourself.
Let's be serious. That's a piece of me. Human nature causes me to judge it. The hardest part is to accept it.
I keep finding pieces of myself. Some of the pieces I'm proud of...others I find embarrassing.
But what to do? I know they are part of me.
I rode horses for years and never once feel off. I came super close to falling a couple times but I managed to stay on some how. So I never had the opportunity to get back on the horse. I never knew how hard it was. When I taught people how to ride, they used to fall off all of the time and I never understood why they needed so much encouragement to get back on the horse.
So now I'm trying to get back on the horse for the first time ever.
...and you know what? It's fucking terrifying. I'm fucking terrified.
When I walk past a piece of me it feels like dejavu. It's familiar to me. It is familiar to me...because it's a part of who I am.
I broke when he let go of me, and it was such a far fall that I became scattered.
Slowly I am picking up the pieces of me. The hardest part of this is accepting them.
I can't help but judge them, but I would be lying to myself if I tried to say that that wasn't something I enjoy or if that isn't something that I would do.
Every piece I see cause me to have to come face to face with myself.
Try closing your eyes when you are standing in front of a mirror. You know your there. You know you haven't moved. You know that when you open your eyes you are going to see you. You also know that the mirror doesn't lie and that that's what you look like. Human nature causes you to make a judgement about that face in the mirror. The hardest part is accepting that this is you.
Your make-up can run but you can never run away from yourself.
Let's be serious. That's a piece of me. Human nature causes me to judge it. The hardest part is to accept it.
I keep finding pieces of myself. Some of the pieces I'm proud of...others I find embarrassing.
But what to do? I know they are part of me.
I rode horses for years and never once feel off. I came super close to falling a couple times but I managed to stay on some how. So I never had the opportunity to get back on the horse. I never knew how hard it was. When I taught people how to ride, they used to fall off all of the time and I never understood why they needed so much encouragement to get back on the horse.
So now I'm trying to get back on the horse for the first time ever.
...and you know what? It's fucking terrifying. I'm fucking terrified.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Joke
For most of the things in your life, you'll never know if you made the right choice or the wrong one. There are choices that feel better at the moment that you make the decision and then hurt like hell later. There are decisions that hurt like hell when you make them and then at some point, hopefully they stop hurting so bad.
When you're at a restaurant and you order food, you know almost right away if you made a good decision or a bad one. Do you like the food? Good decision. You don't like the food? Bad decision...or bad chief. If it's a bad chief it's not in your control.
Actually, nothing is really in your control. That's just a myth that people tell themselves so they don't feel like they are spinning around aimlessly.
Trying to control the things around you lead to hair loss, eating disorders, and unhappiness.
I can barely control myself sometimes. How can I control anything else.
The best we can do is to try to live the way we want. To try not to harm others or ourselves. To try to make some decisions for our benefit and to attempt to work towards a future that isn't promised to us...yet we still have to work to get there.
It's like a big fucking joke.
Not only can we not control anything--nothing means anything anyway.
A thing only has meaning if you make it meaning something. A thing only has power if you give it power.
So why's it hurt so bad?
Everything is the way it is because that's how it is. Everything is perfect because it's how it is for whatever reason.
But it doesn't feel perfect...or good to be honest.
Sometimes it feels bad. Sometimes it feels really bad. Sometimes it just feels meh.
On the rare occasion it feels wonderful though.
When you're at a restaurant and you order food, you know almost right away if you made a good decision or a bad one. Do you like the food? Good decision. You don't like the food? Bad decision...or bad chief. If it's a bad chief it's not in your control.
Actually, nothing is really in your control. That's just a myth that people tell themselves so they don't feel like they are spinning around aimlessly.
Trying to control the things around you lead to hair loss, eating disorders, and unhappiness.
I can barely control myself sometimes. How can I control anything else.
The best we can do is to try to live the way we want. To try not to harm others or ourselves. To try to make some decisions for our benefit and to attempt to work towards a future that isn't promised to us...yet we still have to work to get there.
It's like a big fucking joke.
Not only can we not control anything--nothing means anything anyway.
A thing only has meaning if you make it meaning something. A thing only has power if you give it power.
So why's it hurt so bad?
Everything is the way it is because that's how it is. Everything is perfect because it's how it is for whatever reason.
But it doesn't feel perfect...or good to be honest.
Sometimes it feels bad. Sometimes it feels really bad. Sometimes it just feels meh.
On the rare occasion it feels wonderful though.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
Updates:
Most likely not going to study abroad in Haifa. I can't tell if it's the easy/cop out choice or the more mature one.
That means that I'll be here until at least May, that I might do a thesis (if I can find a topic I'm interested on and can research), and that I'll walk for graduation (pretty pictures for the family).
I still want to eventually become conversational in Hebrew and work on my Spanish and Italian as well.
I don't know what I want to do or where I want to go when I graduate but I guess time will tell...I'll have to go somewhere.
Most likely not going to study abroad in Haifa. I can't tell if it's the easy/cop out choice or the more mature one.
That means that I'll be here until at least May, that I might do a thesis (if I can find a topic I'm interested on and can research), and that I'll walk for graduation (pretty pictures for the family).
I still want to eventually become conversational in Hebrew and work on my Spanish and Italian as well.
I don't know what I want to do or where I want to go when I graduate but I guess time will tell...I'll have to go somewhere.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Last night I drank and danced.
We are going to continue the story soon but unfortunately for now the hiatus from the crazy love story continues.
My story is still going on. I finished my application to Haifa and now I'm just waiting to see whether or not I get in.
As of now my after graduation plans are to join the IDF. I have a lot of really good and really cool reasons for wanting to do this.
We are going to continue the story soon but unfortunately for now the hiatus from the crazy love story continues.
My story is still going on. I finished my application to Haifa and now I'm just waiting to see whether or not I get in.
As of now my after graduation plans are to join the IDF. I have a lot of really good and really cool reasons for wanting to do this.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
We do the best that we can and sometimes love just isn't enough.
I can't say that I didn't see it coming...or that there were times that I thought that this would be easier.
Maybe it is easier. Who knows.
All I know is that I love the boy and I respect him if this is what he thinks is the best for him.
Mom keeps saying that time heals everything...but time was never an issue with us until there wasn't any to spend together any time soon. It didn't take any time for me to fall in love with him.
I knew that I was taking the easy way out by coming here...only it's not easy. It's possibly the hardest thing I've ever done.
I've been miserable since I left Israel and now I don't know where to call home.
So what if my heart is broken and it hurts to breathe. I still say that I'm one of the lucky ones.
What we had was real.
Tomorrow is a new day and so is the day after that.
~
My tentative plans are to finish up the Fall semester at UF and the spring semester at Haifa. Then, at some point when my grades are transfered from Haifa to UF, I will be a college graduate (with honors!)
For years I have looked into joining the Peace Core after graduation but that doesn't make sense to me anymore considering the lack of patriotism I feel for America and the abundance of patriotism I feel for Israel. At this point, I'm planning on joining the Israeli army for 2 years post-graduation.
I think that it would be a life changing experience. I'd have to really get to know myself and I would be in a somewhat safe environment while doing so. Most likely it would be some kind of clerical/secretarial work...but maybe I could join the Israeli Army band and perform for the soldiers. I'll become fluent in Hebrew and then I can decide from there where I'd like to go.
Nothing is permeant or set in stone. We'll see what happens.
I can't say that I didn't see it coming...or that there were times that I thought that this would be easier.
Maybe it is easier. Who knows.
All I know is that I love the boy and I respect him if this is what he thinks is the best for him.
Mom keeps saying that time heals everything...but time was never an issue with us until there wasn't any to spend together any time soon. It didn't take any time for me to fall in love with him.
I knew that I was taking the easy way out by coming here...only it's not easy. It's possibly the hardest thing I've ever done.
I've been miserable since I left Israel and now I don't know where to call home.
So what if my heart is broken and it hurts to breathe. I still say that I'm one of the lucky ones.
What we had was real.
Tomorrow is a new day and so is the day after that.
~
My tentative plans are to finish up the Fall semester at UF and the spring semester at Haifa. Then, at some point when my grades are transfered from Haifa to UF, I will be a college graduate (with honors!)
For years I have looked into joining the Peace Core after graduation but that doesn't make sense to me anymore considering the lack of patriotism I feel for America and the abundance of patriotism I feel for Israel. At this point, I'm planning on joining the Israeli army for 2 years post-graduation.
I think that it would be a life changing experience. I'd have to really get to know myself and I would be in a somewhat safe environment while doing so. Most likely it would be some kind of clerical/secretarial work...but maybe I could join the Israeli Army band and perform for the soldiers. I'll become fluent in Hebrew and then I can decide from there where I'd like to go.
Nothing is permeant or set in stone. We'll see what happens.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Silly Me
I need to start reading the fine print and trust my instincts.
I was RIGHT! There were/are a ton of courses for me to take at the University of Haifa.
I guess for some reason I was supposed to come back here.
But, GUESS WHERE I'M PLANNING ON BEING IN THE SPRING?!
I was RIGHT! There were/are a ton of courses for me to take at the University of Haifa.
I guess for some reason I was supposed to come back here.
But, GUESS WHERE I'M PLANNING ON BEING IN THE SPRING?!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
University of Tel Aviv
The Admissions Committee is interested in learning about your reasons for study in Israel and specifically at Tel Aviv University. In the space below, please explain why you are applying for admission to the School for Overseas Students
I am applying for admission to the School for Overseas Students at the University of Tel Aviv because my heart is in Israel.
I spent this past summer living just outside of Tel Aviv. It was life changing and I did not realize how much I have changed and grown as a person until I came back to the US and started the fall semester of my senior year at the University of Florida.
Sitting at a restaurant near the Ben Hill Griffin football Stadium; bright orange, royal blue, and the occasional forest green rushed past me. Together it was a mismatched sea of people showing their support for meaninglessness teams and a meaningless event.
My schools colors are orange and blue, but those are not my true colors.
My passion is metallic gold and it bursts out of me like fireworks painting the night sky in a shimmery sparkle. Lying in the Negev this summer and looking up at the night sky, I saw my passion—It’s Israel. I saw my passion again while trying to watch a meteor shower while in Tel Aviv—It’s Israel.
Passion is a powerful and compelling emotion. My passion is strong and vibrant to succeed at living a life full of meaning by advocating for Israel.
My hopefulness is pastel.
It streams from me and surrounds me in lavender light. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had and that events will turn out for the best. My hope allows me to experience, accept, and surpass obstacles and hard times. Because of hope I can accept things as they come to me and make the most out of every situation.
I hope that I will be starting classes at the University of Tel Aviv in January and I hope that Israel will become my home when the time is right.
Some of my colors are obvious. My pastel hopefulness and metallic passion are completely visible. My love is bright red like a heart and my strength is a subtle yet determined turquoise blue.
My heart is in Israel and only with a strong foundation can I begin to build my life of meaning. I believe that studying at the University of Tel Aviv will help me to set the foundation that I have been longing for.
I am applying for admission to the School for Overseas Students at the University of Tel Aviv because my heart is in Israel.
I spent this past summer living just outside of Tel Aviv. It was life changing and I did not realize how much I have changed and grown as a person until I came back to the US and started the fall semester of my senior year at the University of Florida.
Sitting at a restaurant near the Ben Hill Griffin football Stadium; bright orange, royal blue, and the occasional forest green rushed past me. Together it was a mismatched sea of people showing their support for meaninglessness teams and a meaningless event.
My schools colors are orange and blue, but those are not my true colors.
My passion is metallic gold and it bursts out of me like fireworks painting the night sky in a shimmery sparkle. Lying in the Negev this summer and looking up at the night sky, I saw my passion—It’s Israel. I saw my passion again while trying to watch a meteor shower while in Tel Aviv—It’s Israel.
Passion is a powerful and compelling emotion. My passion is strong and vibrant to succeed at living a life full of meaning by advocating for Israel.
My hopefulness is pastel.
It streams from me and surrounds me in lavender light. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had and that events will turn out for the best. My hope allows me to experience, accept, and surpass obstacles and hard times. Because of hope I can accept things as they come to me and make the most out of every situation.
I hope that I will be starting classes at the University of Tel Aviv in January and I hope that Israel will become my home when the time is right.
Some of my colors are obvious. My pastel hopefulness and metallic passion are completely visible. My love is bright red like a heart and my strength is a subtle yet determined turquoise blue.
My heart is in Israel and only with a strong foundation can I begin to build my life of meaning. I believe that studying at the University of Tel Aviv will help me to set the foundation that I have been longing for.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
It's September 5th and I don't want to do that math to see how long I've been away from Itzik. All I know right now is that it's been about 4 days since I've heard from him.
I'm pretty sure that he is ignoring me...which is really strange and out of character of him.
It's killing me.
I'm in complete agony.
I'm pretty sure that he is ignoring me...which is really strange and out of character of him.
It's killing me.
I'm in complete agony.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Wednesday
It's Wednesday morning. I haven't really talked to Itzik since Friday night before I got on the plane.
There is nothing that I would like more in the whole entire world then to hear his voice right now. I miss the boy terribly.
No part of me is worried about our relationship. I would cut off my arm before I would do anything to risk losing him and I believe with all of my heart that he feels the same way.
I saw all of my sorority sisters today. I'm standing in the middle of the hard-to-describe madness of bid day and he's going to the army and working. How is this fair?
I can't find the words to explain my relationship with Itzik. I'm not sure that I would want it any other way.
I love him. I love him. I love him.
I feel that he loves me just as much. I can almost feel him with me even though he is across the world.
All of the drama here is stupid.
But..I'm really glad that I saw my friends. I missed them and it was really nice to see them again
There is nothing that I would like more in the whole entire world then to hear his voice right now. I miss the boy terribly.
No part of me is worried about our relationship. I would cut off my arm before I would do anything to risk losing him and I believe with all of my heart that he feels the same way.
I saw all of my sorority sisters today. I'm standing in the middle of the hard-to-describe madness of bid day and he's going to the army and working. How is this fair?
I can't find the words to explain my relationship with Itzik. I'm not sure that I would want it any other way.
I love him. I love him. I love him.
I feel that he loves me just as much. I can almost feel him with me even though he is across the world.
All of the drama here is stupid.
But..I'm really glad that I saw my friends. I missed them and it was really nice to see them again
Thursday, August 12, 2010
"It's really nice to do this all night."
We talked for about an hour and then it was bed time.
He gave me a hug.
"You know," He said timidly. "It's really nice to do this all night."
He gave me a hug.
"You know," He said timidly. "It's really nice to do this all night."
Lullabies
When Itzik is sleeping he looks so calm and peaceful...the opposite of anything scary. He's really hard to wake up, but at least he's always so sweet about it. He always says five more minutes. I love you.
...
After I told Becca, Becca told Josh. Josh told Itzik, who was not very happy to know that people knew.
Me: "It was honest. I was bragging cause I was so happy and excited. I didn't mean it to hurt you."
No response.
We went to the Kotel. Itzik wouldn't look at me or talk to me. In my head I thought--good. It's easier this way. Over my shoulder I heard my mother saying--Fuck him if you can't take a joke.
As soon as I was face to face with the Kotel I forgot about Itzik.
Being at the Kotel was an amazing and incredible experience that I am so every thankful to have had. Maybe I will tell you about it later.
We had a 2 and a half hour walk back to the hostel. Itzik had yet to look at me or talk to me. He was on his phone or talking to one of the other soldiers on the trip. My heart hurt and I couldn't figure out why. It was just one kiss. Just one boy. Just one night...how many nights had I kissed a boy. Why was this night and this kiss and this boy different from any other? Why was I so upset about it.
I tried really hard to not think or talk about him. I thought I was doing okay at it until Jillian said, "Really Steph. Stop talking about him. I don't want to hear it anymore."
I had his ipod because he had asked me earlier in the day to charge it for him. It was barely half charged but I wanted it out of my room. I walked it into his room and put in on his bed. He was sleeping so I consciously put it somewhere where he would see it when he woke up.
I tried even hard not to think or talk about him. It wasn't working. I was sulking a lot. It was my bedtime.
My rental phone's ugly-sounding alarm woke me up from a deep sleep. I was dizzy and my eyes were seeing everything fuzzy--did my phone really say that it was Itzik who was calling.
"Um..hello?"
Itzik: "You're awake."
"Yeah...now I am."
Itzik: "Meet me outside?"
"What for?"
Itzik: "To talk."
"Is there anything to talk about?"
Itzik: "I think so. Please."
"Fine. I'll be out in a little."
I walked outside but I didn't see Itzik. I looked around for a little then said fuck it and went to walk back into the hostel just as Itzik was walking out.
He looked up at me. His eyes were glowing an all of his teeth were showing. He picked me up to hug me and spun me around.
"I missed you," He whispered into my ear.
"Well, that's your fault."
Itzik: "I know. It took all of the energy I had not to run up and grab you when we were leaving the Kotel."
"You should have."
Itzik: "I know I should have."
...
After I told Becca, Becca told Josh. Josh told Itzik, who was not very happy to know that people knew.
Me: "It was honest. I was bragging cause I was so happy and excited. I didn't mean it to hurt you."
No response.
We went to the Kotel. Itzik wouldn't look at me or talk to me. In my head I thought--good. It's easier this way. Over my shoulder I heard my mother saying--Fuck him if you can't take a joke.
As soon as I was face to face with the Kotel I forgot about Itzik.
Being at the Kotel was an amazing and incredible experience that I am so every thankful to have had. Maybe I will tell you about it later.
We had a 2 and a half hour walk back to the hostel. Itzik had yet to look at me or talk to me. He was on his phone or talking to one of the other soldiers on the trip. My heart hurt and I couldn't figure out why. It was just one kiss. Just one boy. Just one night...how many nights had I kissed a boy. Why was this night and this kiss and this boy different from any other? Why was I so upset about it.
I tried really hard to not think or talk about him. I thought I was doing okay at it until Jillian said, "Really Steph. Stop talking about him. I don't want to hear it anymore."
I had his ipod because he had asked me earlier in the day to charge it for him. It was barely half charged but I wanted it out of my room. I walked it into his room and put in on his bed. He was sleeping so I consciously put it somewhere where he would see it when he woke up.
I tried even hard not to think or talk about him. It wasn't working. I was sulking a lot. It was my bedtime.
My rental phone's ugly-sounding alarm woke me up from a deep sleep. I was dizzy and my eyes were seeing everything fuzzy--did my phone really say that it was Itzik who was calling.
"Um..hello?"
Itzik: "You're awake."
"Yeah...now I am."
Itzik: "Meet me outside?"
"What for?"
Itzik: "To talk."
"Is there anything to talk about?"
Itzik: "I think so. Please."
"Fine. I'll be out in a little."
I walked outside but I didn't see Itzik. I looked around for a little then said fuck it and went to walk back into the hostel just as Itzik was walking out.
He looked up at me. His eyes were glowing an all of his teeth were showing. He picked me up to hug me and spun me around.
"I missed you," He whispered into my ear.
"Well, that's your fault."
Itzik: "I know. It took all of the energy I had not to run up and grab you when we were leaving the Kotel."
"You should have."
Itzik: "I know I should have."
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Red Peppers
The morning after Itzik and I's first kiss I walked into the dining room for breakfast determined not to talk to him. I saw him and shrugged away towards the side of the room to put my stuff down at a table. I went to get food and as I did, I passed Itzik. He smiled at me and put his hand on my shoulder. It was warm and I was suddenly a puddle on the floor.
He asked me to sit with him and about how I slept. He also made fun of me for only eating red peppers for breakfast.
All I wanted to do was to kiss him again.
Becca somehow got me away from Itzik and I told her all about my night last night. I was gushing. It was disgusting.
He asked me to sit with him and about how I slept. He also made fun of me for only eating red peppers for breakfast.
All I wanted to do was to kiss him again.
Becca somehow got me away from Itzik and I told her all about my night last night. I was gushing. It was disgusting.
Playgrounds
After writing the last post I decided that I needed some fresh air. I grabbed a book and walked out of the apartment (dira) without saying a word.
Itzik: "Wait. Where are you going?"
I closed the door behind me. I wanted to chill out.
I didn't know where I was walking too. I figured that I would find a bench to sit on or something. I started walking to the market thinking that I might end up needed some chocolate.
"Stephanieee! Stephhanieee!"
I stop walking and looked around to see who was calling my name. I didn't see anyone at first. Then I saw Itzik's two littlest sisters riding their bikes towards me. I crossed the street to say hi to them. Itzik's mother (Sara) and younger brother was with them too.
Sara: "Where are you going?"
Me: "Just a walk."
Sara: "Okay. Take them to the playground? I need to drop this at the house."
Me: "No problem"
I grabbed Noam's stoller and walked to the playground with them. I laughed...thinking about the fact that I had been feeling so far away and disconnected. I had felt alone and then I had decided that I wanted to be alone and Itzik's family found me. It was all too perfect, just like everything else with Itzik was usually.
...
4 hours later Itzik and I went to visit his zafta. Before walking into her house, Itzik told me that he was sorry.
Me: "Don't say that until you know what you did. You told me that we were going to be just me and you the whole day and this is the first time that we've been alone."
I started crying, telling him that I loved him and that all I really wanted was his attention. I wanted to talk to him and spend time with my boyfriend.
He kissed my tears and told me that he loved me and I was right and he's sorry.
...
Itzik was supposed to come back from the army around 1:30 and he had work at 3.
Around 2:30 I figured that he has just gone straight to work.
Around 3:25 he came home with a box of chocolates and told me that he canceled work.
Itzik: "Wait. Where are you going?"
I closed the door behind me. I wanted to chill out.
I didn't know where I was walking too. I figured that I would find a bench to sit on or something. I started walking to the market thinking that I might end up needed some chocolate.
"Stephanieee! Stephhanieee!"
I stop walking and looked around to see who was calling my name. I didn't see anyone at first. Then I saw Itzik's two littlest sisters riding their bikes towards me. I crossed the street to say hi to them. Itzik's mother (Sara) and younger brother was with them too.
Sara: "Where are you going?"
Me: "Just a walk."
Sara: "Okay. Take them to the playground? I need to drop this at the house."
Me: "No problem"
I grabbed Noam's stoller and walked to the playground with them. I laughed...thinking about the fact that I had been feeling so far away and disconnected. I had felt alone and then I had decided that I wanted to be alone and Itzik's family found me. It was all too perfect, just like everything else with Itzik was usually.
...
4 hours later Itzik and I went to visit his zafta. Before walking into her house, Itzik told me that he was sorry.
Me: "Don't say that until you know what you did. You told me that we were going to be just me and you the whole day and this is the first time that we've been alone."
I started crying, telling him that I loved him and that all I really wanted was his attention. I wanted to talk to him and spend time with my boyfriend.
He kissed my tears and told me that he loved me and I was right and he's sorry.
...
Itzik was supposed to come back from the army around 1:30 and he had work at 3.
Around 2:30 I figured that he has just gone straight to work.
Around 3:25 he came home with a box of chocolates and told me that he canceled work.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
August 10th - A Letter to my Love
Hey Itzik,
I love you a lot and all but sometimes you are really stupid. Remember telling me that today it was just gonna be me and you? You didn't even sleep in the bed with me last night. You fell asleep on the couch and got mad at me when I tried to wake you up. Also, as of today, we've known each other for 2 months. Would you like to celebrate?
Oh, speaking of it being the 10th of August, I'm leaving in 9 days and it's gonna feel like forever to me until I see you again. How is it going to feel for you. Yossi lives not even 2 minutes from you. I live 17 hours of air travel away.
Turn down your fucking music and realize that you are being an idiot.
We have 8 nights and 8 1/2 days together. And no, I don't want to only spend the nights with you.
I want to talk to you. I want to spend more time with you.
Fuck it. Maybe I'll change my flight. It'll make my life easier.
Sincerely,
Your girlfriend,
Stephanie
I love you a lot and all but sometimes you are really stupid. Remember telling me that today it was just gonna be me and you? You didn't even sleep in the bed with me last night. You fell asleep on the couch and got mad at me when I tried to wake you up. Also, as of today, we've known each other for 2 months. Would you like to celebrate?
Oh, speaking of it being the 10th of August, I'm leaving in 9 days and it's gonna feel like forever to me until I see you again. How is it going to feel for you. Yossi lives not even 2 minutes from you. I live 17 hours of air travel away.
Turn down your fucking music and realize that you are being an idiot.
We have 8 nights and 8 1/2 days together. And no, I don't want to only spend the nights with you.
I want to talk to you. I want to spend more time with you.
Fuck it. Maybe I'll change my flight. It'll make my life easier.
Sincerely,
Your girlfriend,
Stephanie
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Park Benches after Midnight
Itzik followed me to my hotel room where my 2 roommates were already asleep. I changed the way that we used to at camp so he couldn't see anything...but he had turned his head to look away anyhow.
There was Itzik. Tall and beautiful and well dressed. There I was. Short and beautiful (?) and in sofies and a t-shirt. Oh well, atleast I was comfortable.
We talked about going out on the balcony in my hotel room but Itzik didn't want to risk waking up my roommates. We went downstairs and decided that we wanted to walk to the beach. Our chaperones were still near the door so we hung back to lounge on a couch on the other side of the lobby and watch some TV. A half an hour later we tried again, but they were playing drinking games so we felt obligated to join in. Itzik had never heard of this game so it made it even more fun to teach him to play the fancy derivation of the game that a guy normally plays with a girl to get her very drunk very fast, quarters.
After too many drinks, Itzik and I finally escaped the hotel to take a walk. Instead of making it to the beach, we found a park that was a little bit hidden away and sat down on the bench.
For the first hour that we talked I kept bracing myself incase he kissed me, wondering if I wanted too, how my breath smelled, if I tasted okay, and if he would be disappointed. After 2 hours of talking I forgot all about kissing him. I was too overwhelmed and excited by the fact that I could find so much to talk about with someone who was born so far away from where I was born, who had a different native language, and who was a soldier...not a student.
He was my age but he didn't seem like it. He was mature, put together, and polished. He had confidence that wasn't in your face and he was a real---and suddenly we were kissing.
Everything but him melted away. He was holding me tightly and all of my wished that he wouldn't ever let me go.
It didn't last too long, it was tasteful, and all around the most amazing first kiss you could ask for (and I have a thing about those). After the kiss I couldn't speak so I put my head on his shoulder. He kissed my head and touched my arm and I couldn't believe how perfect everything was. It was so much more then I could have ever dreamed. I couldn't have imagined anything so perfect.
We walked back to the hotel holding hands. He gave me a goodnight hug and a kiss on the cheek at the door to my room and went off to his room.
I decided I was going to leave it at that and stop talking to him. I wasn't going to completely ignore him...but I was going to try. It seemed like the perfect time to stop while I was ahead.
There was Itzik. Tall and beautiful and well dressed. There I was. Short and beautiful (?) and in sofies and a t-shirt. Oh well, atleast I was comfortable.
We talked about going out on the balcony in my hotel room but Itzik didn't want to risk waking up my roommates. We went downstairs and decided that we wanted to walk to the beach. Our chaperones were still near the door so we hung back to lounge on a couch on the other side of the lobby and watch some TV. A half an hour later we tried again, but they were playing drinking games so we felt obligated to join in. Itzik had never heard of this game so it made it even more fun to teach him to play the fancy derivation of the game that a guy normally plays with a girl to get her very drunk very fast, quarters.
After too many drinks, Itzik and I finally escaped the hotel to take a walk. Instead of making it to the beach, we found a park that was a little bit hidden away and sat down on the bench.
For the first hour that we talked I kept bracing myself incase he kissed me, wondering if I wanted too, how my breath smelled, if I tasted okay, and if he would be disappointed. After 2 hours of talking I forgot all about kissing him. I was too overwhelmed and excited by the fact that I could find so much to talk about with someone who was born so far away from where I was born, who had a different native language, and who was a soldier...not a student.
He was my age but he didn't seem like it. He was mature, put together, and polished. He had confidence that wasn't in your face and he was a real---and suddenly we were kissing.
Everything but him melted away. He was holding me tightly and all of my wished that he wouldn't ever let me go.
It didn't last too long, it was tasteful, and all around the most amazing first kiss you could ask for (and I have a thing about those). After the kiss I couldn't speak so I put my head on his shoulder. He kissed my head and touched my arm and I couldn't believe how perfect everything was. It was so much more then I could have ever dreamed. I couldn't have imagined anything so perfect.
We walked back to the hotel holding hands. He gave me a goodnight hug and a kiss on the cheek at the door to my room and went off to his room.
I decided I was going to leave it at that and stop talking to him. I wasn't going to completely ignore him...but I was going to try. It seemed like the perfect time to stop while I was ahead.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
"Please let go of my hand."
We met back up with everyone and headed to the Namal. Itzik took charge. I watched him and tried to contain my smile and pretended to be cool.
When we finally got to the Namal, nothing was good enough for Itzik. This bar wasn't cool enough, this party was cool enough but we were too big of a group to get in, this party was lame, this bar wasn't fun, the music wasn't good, and only gangsters came here. I walked away from him annoyed that he was being a party pooper. I was disappointed and I wanted to hide it. I sat at the bar and ordered a beer. Then I grabbed Melanie determined to find boys to buy us drinks.
Melanie got distracted by a boy in our group while I sipped on my beer. Two boys walked up to me. One of them was kind of cute. They didn't really speak English and I couldn't figure out if they were from Barcelona or Yafo. The cuter one bought me some sort of blueberry shot and then asked me to dance. Then he grabbed my thigh which I didn't like because I really don't like people touching me, especially when I don't see it coming and I don't know them very well.
"No, but thank you. I'm gonna go find my friends."
I got up to walk away but he grabbed my hand and pulled me closer to him. He leaned into me and whispered into my ear that I owed him a dance.
"Please let go of my hand."
He did and I walked outside to call Itzik. He had just left the Namal so I walked back inside of the club. The two boys saw me saw I started walking faster. They walked toward me. I ran into the back of the VIP section where most of the group was. They followed me. I jumped up onto a couch and hid behind a soldier who was on the trip with us. They found me.
"Lidor, will you help me? These guys won't leave me alone."
Lidor talked to them while I watched from a short distance. Itzik texted me to ask me where I was and I tried to find people who wanted to leave with me to go back to the hotel. Luckily that was most people...so we walked to go get into cabs. Itzik called me just as I was getting out the the taxi. He was a little bit up the street talking to a couple of his friends so I walked to join them. I was kind of drunk though and I really wanted to change.
Itzik grabbed my hand before I left, asking me to wait a little cause he wanted to come with me. I obliged on the condition that I could change before we did anything else.
When we finally got to the Namal, nothing was good enough for Itzik. This bar wasn't cool enough, this party was cool enough but we were too big of a group to get in, this party was lame, this bar wasn't fun, the music wasn't good, and only gangsters came here. I walked away from him annoyed that he was being a party pooper. I was disappointed and I wanted to hide it. I sat at the bar and ordered a beer. Then I grabbed Melanie determined to find boys to buy us drinks.
Melanie got distracted by a boy in our group while I sipped on my beer. Two boys walked up to me. One of them was kind of cute. They didn't really speak English and I couldn't figure out if they were from Barcelona or Yafo. The cuter one bought me some sort of blueberry shot and then asked me to dance. Then he grabbed my thigh which I didn't like because I really don't like people touching me, especially when I don't see it coming and I don't know them very well.
"No, but thank you. I'm gonna go find my friends."
I got up to walk away but he grabbed my hand and pulled me closer to him. He leaned into me and whispered into my ear that I owed him a dance.
"Please let go of my hand."
He did and I walked outside to call Itzik. He had just left the Namal so I walked back inside of the club. The two boys saw me saw I started walking faster. They walked toward me. I ran into the back of the VIP section where most of the group was. They followed me. I jumped up onto a couch and hid behind a soldier who was on the trip with us. They found me.
"Lidor, will you help me? These guys won't leave me alone."
Lidor talked to them while I watched from a short distance. Itzik texted me to ask me where I was and I tried to find people who wanted to leave with me to go back to the hotel. Luckily that was most people...so we walked to go get into cabs. Itzik called me just as I was getting out the the taxi. He was a little bit up the street talking to a couple of his friends so I walked to join them. I was kind of drunk though and I really wanted to change.
Itzik grabbed my hand before I left, asking me to wait a little cause he wanted to come with me. I obliged on the condition that I could change before we did anything else.
Roommates and Partners
"Okay..."
I passed Melanie as I was leaving the room with Itzik.
Me: "He asked me if I want to meet his partner."
Mel: "WHAT?!"
Me: "He wants me to meet his partner."
Mel: "Um..okay."
Me: "Okay...well I'm gonna go meet his partner."
Itzik grabbed my hand and I followed him out of the room, shoulders back and confident. (Who wouldn't be when the most beautiful man every is holding your hand) Itzik's partner was outside standing next to a motorcycle. At least he was pretty cute too.
Itzik: "This is my roommate."
Me: "Oh. Your roommate!"
I sat on next to Itzik on the front stairs of the hotel listening to them speaking Hebrew. They told me about their idea for a business and Omri (his partner-- ; ) -- asked me questions about myself. I walked away knowing that I had the approval of the best friend.
I passed Melanie as I was leaving the room with Itzik.
Me: "He asked me if I want to meet his partner."
Mel: "WHAT?!"
Me: "He wants me to meet his partner."
Mel: "Um..okay."
Me: "Okay...well I'm gonna go meet his partner."
Itzik grabbed my hand and I followed him out of the room, shoulders back and confident. (Who wouldn't be when the most beautiful man every is holding your hand) Itzik's partner was outside standing next to a motorcycle. At least he was pretty cute too.
Itzik: "This is my roommate."
Me: "Oh. Your roommate!"
I sat on next to Itzik on the front stairs of the hotel listening to them speaking Hebrew. They told me about their idea for a business and Omri (his partner-- ; ) -- asked me questions about myself. I walked away knowing that I had the approval of the best friend.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Speaking in my ear.
I saw him as soon as I walked into the room.
I thought I hallucinated him looking at me with his icy-hot blue eyes and smiling with his perfect mouth.
I ignored him to take pictures with Melanie and a couple of the girl soldiers.
He jumped into the pictures with us.
I tried to get brave enough to ask him to take a picture just with me.
That didn't happen.
He leaned down slowly towards me.
Or was I imagining it.
No...he was speaking softly in my ear.
"Wait what? I didn't hear you." I said.
He took a breath before repeating himself.
"Do you want to meet my partner?"
I thought I hallucinated him looking at me with his icy-hot blue eyes and smiling with his perfect mouth.
I ignored him to take pictures with Melanie and a couple of the girl soldiers.
He jumped into the pictures with us.
I tried to get brave enough to ask him to take a picture just with me.
That didn't happen.
He leaned down slowly towards me.
Or was I imagining it.
No...he was speaking softly in my ear.
"Wait what? I didn't hear you." I said.
He took a breath before repeating himself.
"Do you want to meet my partner?"
Welcome to Tel Aviv
So what that I'm barely functional in anything involving Hebrew and that sometimes when I do the laundry I don't actually use soap...only fabric softener. I can learn, I can learn, and smell good when I sweat.
Anywayyy...
I spent the better part of the 2 1/2 hour bus ride with my head on Itzik's lap pretending to sleep. I really wanted to sleep and I was really trying to sleep but it was really difficult because I was touching Itzik and Itzik was touching me. Even in the most innocent sense of touching...it was too much. I had been scared to touch him and now I was scared to let go.
I was holding his hand and tracing my pointing finger gently down the middle of his palm and he hand his hand on my leg closer to my knee. Every so often he traced a light circular pattern on my leggings with his finger.
People were watching us, but I only know this because they told me so. For all I knew, we had been transported to some remote place that was a little too cold and a too small to lie comfortably.
But then I was shaken awake.
"Want to see where I work? I work just down...right down...THAT street! In a clothing store in a mall."
"...And my house it's all the way that way."
(If I had only known then I would have paid much more attention...maybe)
When we got off the bus we had a dinner while we waited to get each of our room keys and talked about our big night out in Tel Aviv but I was having trouble hearing. I was having trouble breathing too. I think maybe there was pasta that night? All I know is that Itzik made fun of what I ate and that I was sitting with Itzik, Eilon, and Adar (another male soldier).
Itzik and I separated to go find out respective rooms and shower and change for our night out in Tel Aviv.
I started to freak out and recount my history of guys and other vulgar things to my two roommates for that night, Melanie and her cousin Kraechelle. and obviously I hated everything article of clothing that was in my suitcase, my make-up, and my hair.
I kept thinking that I shouldn't have sat next to him. I don't want be that girl...you know the one that takes the boys intentions seriously and gets hurt. I didn't want anything to ruin my time in Israel. I didn't want any boys in Israel. It was stupid. He is beautiful and just wants the same thing as any other guy. Just because I'm in the holy land doesn't mean that the native guys don't still think with the wrong head...but why was I freaking out about it. Nothing happened so I would just make sure that nothing happened. But even if something did happen it would be a story right and he--
"STEPHANIE! COME ON. Let's go. I'm not waiting for you anymore!" Melanie interrupted.
I was dressed and I didn't look that terrible so I followed her.
Anywayyy...
I spent the better part of the 2 1/2 hour bus ride with my head on Itzik's lap pretending to sleep. I really wanted to sleep and I was really trying to sleep but it was really difficult because I was touching Itzik and Itzik was touching me. Even in the most innocent sense of touching...it was too much. I had been scared to touch him and now I was scared to let go.
I was holding his hand and tracing my pointing finger gently down the middle of his palm and he hand his hand on my leg closer to my knee. Every so often he traced a light circular pattern on my leggings with his finger.
People were watching us, but I only know this because they told me so. For all I knew, we had been transported to some remote place that was a little too cold and a too small to lie comfortably.
But then I was shaken awake.
"Want to see where I work? I work just down...right down...THAT street! In a clothing store in a mall."
"...And my house it's all the way that way."
(If I had only known then I would have paid much more attention...maybe)
When we got off the bus we had a dinner while we waited to get each of our room keys and talked about our big night out in Tel Aviv but I was having trouble hearing. I was having trouble breathing too. I think maybe there was pasta that night? All I know is that Itzik made fun of what I ate and that I was sitting with Itzik, Eilon, and Adar (another male soldier).
Itzik and I separated to go find out respective rooms and shower and change for our night out in Tel Aviv.
I started to freak out and recount my history of guys and other vulgar things to my two roommates for that night, Melanie and her cousin Kraechelle. and obviously I hated everything article of clothing that was in my suitcase, my make-up, and my hair.
I kept thinking that I shouldn't have sat next to him. I don't want be that girl...you know the one that takes the boys intentions seriously and gets hurt. I didn't want anything to ruin my time in Israel. I didn't want any boys in Israel. It was stupid. He is beautiful and just wants the same thing as any other guy. Just because I'm in the holy land doesn't mean that the native guys don't still think with the wrong head...but why was I freaking out about it. Nothing happened so I would just make sure that nothing happened. But even if something did happen it would be a story right and he--
"STEPHANIE! COME ON. Let's go. I'm not waiting for you anymore!" Melanie interrupted.
I was dressed and I didn't look that terrible so I followed her.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
"He just bought me lunch."
"He just bought me lunch."
He just bought me lunch. That's all I could think and that's all I could say.
I ran on the bus and knowing there was a 2 1/2 hour ride ahead of me decided it was worth the risk to save a seat for myself next to Itzik.
"He just bought me lunch." The girls that I told cooed back in various tones of jealousy. But to be honest, I wasn't bragging. Well maybe I was. I wasn't trying to brag though. I was trying to convince myself that it actually happened and that he did buy me lunch.
"He just bought me lunch. -- Why did he buy me lunch?"
"Um, cause he wants you." The jealous girls chorused.
I saw Itzik walk onto the bus through the corner of my eye. He had seen my bag and was looking around at the people on the bus.
Shyly and a bit sluggishly I made my way forward to the the pair of seats and grabbed something out of my purse.
"Stephanie! This is your bag?" He almost squeaked as he said it because he was smiling so huge. I almost fainted as he said it because I had been holding my breath.
So many butterflies accumulated it my stomach that I started to float. There were warm tingles going up and down my back. I nodded and sat down the best that I could in the seat next to the window, trying to conceal the fact that I was floating.
He just bought me lunch. That's all I could think and that's all I could say.
I ran on the bus and knowing there was a 2 1/2 hour ride ahead of me decided it was worth the risk to save a seat for myself next to Itzik.
"He just bought me lunch." The girls that I told cooed back in various tones of jealousy. But to be honest, I wasn't bragging. Well maybe I was. I wasn't trying to brag though. I was trying to convince myself that it actually happened and that he did buy me lunch.
"He just bought me lunch. -- Why did he buy me lunch?"
"Um, cause he wants you." The jealous girls chorused.
I saw Itzik walk onto the bus through the corner of my eye. He had seen my bag and was looking around at the people on the bus.
Shyly and a bit sluggishly I made my way forward to the the pair of seats and grabbed something out of my purse.
"Stephanie! This is your bag?" He almost squeaked as he said it because he was smiling so huge. I almost fainted as he said it because I had been holding my breath.
So many butterflies accumulated it my stomach that I started to float. There were warm tingles going up and down my back. I nodded and sat down the best that I could in the seat next to the window, trying to conceal the fact that I was floating.
Free Lunch in Tsfat
I don't really remember my first conversation with Itzik. I'm not sure who started talking to who or what was said. I just remember that there was a pug that was following our group around, I was nervous that I didn't look particularly attractive in my modest attire, and that I wanted nothing in the world more than to continue talking to him.
We were in Tsfat. I hadn't been sitting very close to him on the bus and I don't remember how we started talking. I was a straggler in the group that day. Overly hot and wanting to take in my surroundings. They were serene. The stories that my guide was telling were serene too. The creation of Kabbalah. The old lady waiting with the tea.
Me, Itzik, and other stragglers entered the synagogue last and there weren't enough seat near enough to the guide to hear what he was saying. I wanted to listen but Itzik was next to me and I couldn't concentrate. I felt as if I was hypnotized.
The inside of the tiny chapel was beautiful. The words of the guide were beautiful. Itzik was beautiful. The pictures that Itzik was showing me of his family and his ship were mostly beautiful too.
There was a fuzzy warm tingling up my back and I suddenly had an urge to scream, cry, and throw up all at the same time. I walked away into the candle store and bought a wax hamsa with the prayer of the house written in English from the hands of the woman that had just created it. (It is currently hanging in Itzik's toilet room-- in Israel they don't really have bathrooms. They have a room with a toilet and a room with a sink and a shower. It's in the toilet room now and it actually looks really nice there)
Walking back to the group, Itzik found his place back at my side. I was starving and it was lunch time. I wanted something that tasted good and was typical to Israel.
To get to the area with the restaurants we had to walk up a lot of stairs. Like a lot of stairs. They were really slippery too. They had been polished by the thousands that had walked on them before. I thought about all of the people that walked on these stairs before me for a moment.
Then, I challenged one of the soldiers to a race up the stairs. His name was Eilon and he looked like my new friend and a boy that I would never be attracted to. I decided to stay with him for lunch because I was tired and hungry and hot and I didn't want to think or to try to figure out what I wanted to eat.
But Eilon was following Itzik, which I found out only after I had decided to follow Eilon. So, I followed Eilon who followed Itzik and the three of us went off on our own to hunt for lunch.
When Itzik found a place that looked clean enough for his standards we stopped. Itzik asked me what wanted to eat. I shrugged my shoulders.
"Chicken?"
I didn't care and it showed on my face so Itzik decided to order for me...which I was thrilled about. Itzik ordered me a kabob which is not the kabob that we are used to in the US. My only input was "not too spicy (harif)"
"Do you have money?" Itzik asked me.
I nodded, confused at why he thought to ask. I stood up to pay, only to be waved away by Itzik.
"It's my present to you."
Throughly confused, a little bit uncomfortable, and ecstatic because of the attention I ate my free lunch with the two soldiers.
We were in Tsfat. I hadn't been sitting very close to him on the bus and I don't remember how we started talking. I was a straggler in the group that day. Overly hot and wanting to take in my surroundings. They were serene. The stories that my guide was telling were serene too. The creation of Kabbalah. The old lady waiting with the tea.
Me, Itzik, and other stragglers entered the synagogue last and there weren't enough seat near enough to the guide to hear what he was saying. I wanted to listen but Itzik was next to me and I couldn't concentrate. I felt as if I was hypnotized.
The inside of the tiny chapel was beautiful. The words of the guide were beautiful. Itzik was beautiful. The pictures that Itzik was showing me of his family and his ship were mostly beautiful too.
There was a fuzzy warm tingling up my back and I suddenly had an urge to scream, cry, and throw up all at the same time. I walked away into the candle store and bought a wax hamsa with the prayer of the house written in English from the hands of the woman that had just created it. (It is currently hanging in Itzik's toilet room-- in Israel they don't really have bathrooms. They have a room with a toilet and a room with a sink and a shower. It's in the toilet room now and it actually looks really nice there)
Walking back to the group, Itzik found his place back at my side. I was starving and it was lunch time. I wanted something that tasted good and was typical to Israel.
To get to the area with the restaurants we had to walk up a lot of stairs. Like a lot of stairs. They were really slippery too. They had been polished by the thousands that had walked on them before. I thought about all of the people that walked on these stairs before me for a moment.
Then, I challenged one of the soldiers to a race up the stairs. His name was Eilon and he looked like my new friend and a boy that I would never be attracted to. I decided to stay with him for lunch because I was tired and hungry and hot and I didn't want to think or to try to figure out what I wanted to eat.
But Eilon was following Itzik, which I found out only after I had decided to follow Eilon. So, I followed Eilon who followed Itzik and the three of us went off on our own to hunt for lunch.
When Itzik found a place that looked clean enough for his standards we stopped. Itzik asked me what wanted to eat. I shrugged my shoulders.
"Chicken?"
I didn't care and it showed on my face so Itzik decided to order for me...which I was thrilled about. Itzik ordered me a kabob which is not the kabob that we are used to in the US. My only input was "not too spicy (harif)"
"Do you have money?" Itzik asked me.
I nodded, confused at why he thought to ask. I stood up to pay, only to be waved away by Itzik.
"It's my present to you."
Throughly confused, a little bit uncomfortable, and ecstatic because of the attention I ate my free lunch with the two soldiers.
What's a dryer anyway?
This morning I woke up around 7am and watched my boyfriend put on his uniform then head to the army. It's almost 2 now and he'll be back in 3 or 4 hours hopefully.
I did the laundry and hung it outside to dry. In America I always thought that the people who hung their laundry out to dry were poor...but after spending time living in Israel, I think that the people who have sun and who don't hang their laundry outside to dry are stupid.
I did the laundry and hung it outside to dry. In America I always thought that the people who hung their laundry out to dry were poor...but after spending time living in Israel, I think that the people who have sun and who don't hang their laundry outside to dry are stupid.
et means pen in hebrew
According to Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland, I should begin at the beginning and stop when I get to the end. However, this isn't the beginning and I pray that it isn't the end either. Off the top of my head I can't think of any advise given when it's the middle of the thing. So, I will start here, at the middle and go back and forth in a hopefully understandable and interesting way in hopes of entertainingly explaining a situation that seems perfectly crazy (hazui) and perfectly normal.
There is a girl sitting on a bed typing onto her computer. She's wearing a purplish shirt that she has been wearing all day (h'kol yom) and (ve) her boyfriend's gym shorts. There is a red (adom) mickey mouse sweatshirt on her lap so that her Mac Book doesn't burn her lap. The air conditioning (masgam) is on and it's on the colder side, but the batteries fell out of the controller and it's not cold enough that she feels like searching for them.
On the floor next to the bed is a pile of boy's Abercrombie shirts and an Israeli soldier's uniform. In the living room (salon) there is a boy (esh), her boyfriend (chaver) sleeping on the couch.
So this is what it is now. ^^^
This is what it was then:
I saw Itzik on June 10th 2010. I was on a birthright-taglit trip, which is a free 10-day vacation gifted to Jewish adults ages 18 to 26. I was sitting in a window seat on the left side of the bus in the second to last row of the our Mayanot Birthright chartered bus.
I was having an amazing time on the trip. Within the first minutes of being in Israel I had decided I was going to life here someday...but that's a story that I'm not ready to talk about yet. Basically, I was anxious that the soldiers were joining our group. I was comfortable with the people on the trip. I wanted to experience Israel drama-free...which for me meant NO BOYS...and since I was not attracted to any of the boys on my bus, I was very content with my group, Mayanot 473.
I stood up to watch the soldier walk on to the bus. There were eight of them in total. I held my breath. One by one they walked on. Seven had walked on the bus. All seven of the soldier seems perfectly wonderful, nice, and not my type. I took a breath as the last soldier stepped on the to bus.
"Shit"
I said under my breath as I sunk into my seat.
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